Losing My Power

I know you are probably wondering what I mean by “My Power”. Everyone has power and it is the core of who you are inside. I have been reflecting on when I lost mine and when it happened. What I have come to realize is it was not one event, but many that added up. We all give a little bit away and don’t realize it.
peaceful meditating imageWhen I was little I was fearless. At 5 years old I would stand on the fireplace hearth and use the cord to the fireplace screen as a microphone and I would entertain whoever was in the room. That blows my mind because now I become nauseous at the thought of standing up in front of a group of people. In my 20’s if I wanted to do something, like go on a WWF Wresting Cruise, I did it even if I was by myself.
I was not in a good relationship not long after high school and it had a domino effect on my life. I put up walls and good luck getting past them. I moved every year, which became almost like a joke. They would ask, “when and where are we moving you this year?” I would find the stupidest things wrong with an apartment. It wasn’t until I had an epiphany that I was staying on the move so he couldn’t find me. I gave him that power over my life. At that moment I decided to forgive him for myself to be able to move forward. When I let go of that, I lived in my next apartment for almost 10 years. I have also come to realize that I am doing the same thing with guys, but I also feel in my heart that the right person will make the walls and everything go away.
I am not going to go into every example as I don’t want to hurt anyone because at the end of the day it was not their fault. I was the one that gave away little bits of my power by the choices that I made. Yes, some choices were out of my hands and I may not have realized the effect it was having, but I was young. There was a major move when I was young and I had to deal with change, school was harder (when it used to be easy), kids would tease me and it was the beginning of me not feeling like I was disappointing people. What I have come to realize that the end statement was completely wrong. I was not disappointing anyone. I was putting that pressure on myself. Each little thing chipped away at my power. Now the “not so nice guy” took a big chunk of the power, which I have worked really hard to get back.
I find myself today still giving away power in my personal and professional life. I worry more about making everyone else happy then myself. I watch what I say and do so not to upset them. It got me thinking why is their happiness more important than mine. Why do they get more power and I have to give mine up? Then I think about Moms, how they put everyone else first, but really we have learned that Moms need to put themselves first and when they do that and they are happy, everyone else is happy.
I have struggled for years with losing weight and I, ironically, love to workout. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? What I am learning from meditating each night and going through this journey is that it comes back to “my power” and fear. I asked myself an interesting question after watching a documentary on Netflix. Who am I if I am not overweight? The emotions that came up when I asked that question. I have defined myself this and I am finding it is my biggest wall. The fear that wells up at the thought of losing it. What will my life be like? What will be expected of me? The biggest one…. Who will I be without this excuse or limitation? I heard the song “Masterpiece” from Jessie J and there are a couple of lines in there that really hit me. The first is “Those who mind, don’t matter and those who matter, don’t mind.” Which really means those who truly care will not see me any differently, except happier. The second is “I still fall on my face sometimes and I can’t color inside the lines ‘cause I’m perfectly incomplete. You haven’t seen the best of me. I’m still working on my masterpiece.” I am not nor ever will be perfect. I am a work in progress, but there is a masterpiece in there.
It is amazing what I am learning as I sit and meditate each night and just listen to me. As I learn something new I feel like I am taking back a little more of me and my power. This is a big year for me, as I turned 50 this year. I also find it exciting that I am figuring this out this year. I want the next half of my life to fearless, like that 5 years old little girl. I heard the song “Miss Me More” by Kelsea Ballerini and I felt like it was a message as I heard the words. I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe if you open yourself up for messages you will get them. It said “I thought I’d miss you, but I miss me more. I miss my own beat, to my own snare drum. I forgot I had dreams, I forgot I had wings. Forgot who I was before I ever kissed you. Yeah, I thought I’d miss you, but I miss me more.” I’m also finding that those that matter will help you find your wings, your voice and your power.
I think we need to remember that everyone is going through or dealing with something. We need to find a way to support each other and not tear each other down. It may sound hard to do, but forgive whoever has disappointed, hurt or wronged you. Especially if they are not in your life. They are off living their life not even thinking about it, but it is weighing you down. Forgive, get your power back and have an amazing life.
I own the choices I made in my life, but I also realize that God has a plan for me. I keep my faith in him and he will light my path. I don’t regret anything because it brought me here to the relationship I have with my family, my best friend and being a part of her family, the amazing GMCL’s that came into my life (thanks to a Scotsman), and my sweet Willow.
I am excited to learn what I need to do to get all of my power back. For the first time in a long time I feel like there is more to my life than what I am living now.
I truly recommend meditating each night and just listening to what your inner self wants to say to you. It is fun journey to reintroduce yourself to you.

Peace and Love
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